"My head’s under water but I’m breathing fine"

Gotta love John Legend and his smooth voice and lyrics that make you die and die again at how romantically sweet yet challenging and questioning they are to the listener.

It’s been a while, and a lot has changed between then and now.

For starters, I suppose I should explain the significance of that line. Not only is it the song of the moment for me (“All of Me” by John Legend) but also because it accurately frames the state of life I’m in, literally and metaphorically. I think that the two ultimately do tie together into a big knot of issues but surprisingly, what I thought was an issue turned out to become something even better.

I seem to have lost my mind. Bits of my past, fragments of my memory and pieces of my imagination have some how been taken away from me after one incident in the Philippines. Basically lack of water and sleep led to fainting, which led to a hospital trip, which led to sleeping the rest of the day, which led to the present issue at hand, not remembering that day (fair enough) or various parts of recent personal history.

Was there a fall and head trauma involved? Did I hit something? Did my head jerk back in the motion of falling and being caught by someone? Is this even normal?

According to doctors, it is. My friend told me that this is the body’s way of “flushing out” this memory, this trauma, that had happened. And maybe, just maybe, it took other things out with it in the process.

Regardless of what happened, I was left to wonder about who I was at that moment. I was confused with my relationships with certain people. It’s funny, because the earliest memory I had was the end of last summer. I remember vividly the hell that he who shall not ever be named again had put me through. Yet, whatever had happened to me between then and now – especially the good things, which I yearned to remember – were taken away from me. I was in blackness. I was underwater.

Despite being underwater, I had to carry on and start from scratch. Apparently, the biggest thing I had lost was my relationship with you. I couldn’t remember you, me and what we had. What had happened between us. Where we were going, what we were doing. It was that moment when I saw you for the first time again, and, from what people have told me about myself, I looked at you blankly. How did I look at you before? What went through my head when I saw you?

In that moment, I wondered how real this was. How strong my feelings were, how strong we were. And you told me that what we had, it was special, it was true.

So now, I have to start over and rebuild.

Why this happened, I can’t answer. I honestly can’t remember what life was like before hand with you or with others. Good or bad, I suppose this is a second chance. No matter where I am taken, I am thankful that this was the most serious part of the entire ordeal. Anything worse and I could be even more lost.

I guess this is how it all works out. My head is still underwater but I’m breathing fine. I can get through this.

No one ever said that life is easy. No one ever said that starting over was easy. But this time, I’m glad to have been given the opportunity.

Enjoy life, savour every moment, and spill more ink while you do.

PS – “All of Me” by John Legend


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A Vancouver-based writer who won't let her height get in the way of her dreams! Lover of God, good food, coffee & beer, corgis, and exploring with family & friends. Producer & host of Y57 Media on Vancouver Co-op Radio, CFRO 100.5 FM and a weekly contributor for Curiocity Vancouver.

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