My Own Purple

What does it truly mean to be loved?

As teenagers with raging hormones, the feelings of “acceptance”, “love”, “friendship” and “belonging” are all feelings that seem to always be on the forefronts of our minds. We’re always striving to find ways for people to like us for what we can offer rather than who we truly are. We always hide behind the facade of “this is who I want the world to see me as” rather than living life as ourselves.

Because really, who else can do ourselves justice than… ourselves?

This has been a topic of major confusion and frustration in my life in the past several months. As a young kid I never really found a place in the social ladder that we call school. I was never a cool kid – I was usually the kid that liked to read over speak, I was terrible at sports and therefore usually picked last to be on any team and I had a hard time voicing my opinions in fear of being judged. Growing up never makes it easier, as I seemed to grow more and more into my introverted personality.

However, many people that know me well call me a walking oxymoron – yes, my parts of my personality contradicts other parts of my personality.

I am as loud as I am soft; I am as outgoing as I am shy. But one thing is for certain: I still do not really know where I belong in the world.

Why is it so important that we find a niche – a place to call our own?

The feeling of loneliness eats at my soul sometimes, and yet, sometimes loneliness is the one thing that I need to escape the realities of the world. I am trying to find people that accept me for me. I want to find people that like me for who I am and people that can be themselves around me.

Why is it that I feel like I have to pretend to get people to like me?

It’s more time consuming, as I am starting to realize now, to please everyone. The reality of life is that not everyone will get along with everyone else. Trying to please everyone may not make them like you, and in fact, it may cause you to lose yourself.

So why spend time pretending to be someone that you are not?

Why do we chase after love? It gives us a sense of belonging, of importance, of happiness. But maybe, we are all interpreting love in different ways, and maybe that is why we are all so confused.

Speaking for myself, I know that I tend to fall too quickly, trust too soon and take everything seriously. That is just who I am – when I meet someone that I can relate to and makes me feel comfortable, I want to share something special with them. I want to convince myself that this is a special person in my life. I want to see that this person feels the same way about me.

I have had the privilege to meet certain people that have given me the feelings of hope and happiness in the time that I had met them. These are people in my life that have given me the strength and the courage to carry on in my life.

There was once a boy that I met, who shall be named Purple (strange? maybe, but that’s between us) that gave me this strength despite the short time we had known each other. Purple had a beautiful smile, one that made me forget all my troubles. He was wise and quiet and he gave the best hugs. Though he was older than me he never talked down at me. He made me feel equal to him, because, “we are really not that different in this world”.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, Purple was introduced into my life very late. He was moving on to a different stage of his life, and I feared that the connection that we had made would be lost. The inevitable was coming: I was going to lose him.

As the time passed, it could be argued that we did lose each other. But at the same time, I am at peace. We have talked a couple times between then and now, and every time we do, it is almost as if we are picking up where we left off. He still sounds the same. His hugs I still yearn for and his smile will always make me weak in the knees. But I know that though he was not meant for me, he was introduced into my life for a purpose.

He gave me hope to keep going.

I hope that this year, we all find people like that in our life. I hope that this year, we become that special person in other peoples’ lives. What is the purpose of life? It is to be happy and to live our lives to the full.

So what does it mean to be truly loved?

If you are happy with what you have, then you are already experiencing love. It may not always be about the grand gestures, the flowers, the love letters – maybe it’s just a simple smile and encouraging words from your own “Purple”.

And if that is all that it is, then I am experiencing an abundance of love already.

Love more, live through your love, and spill some more ink while you’re at it.

Posted by

A Vancouver-based writer who won't let her height get in the way of her dreams! Lover of God, good food, coffee & beer, corgis, and exploring with family & friends. Producer & host of Y57 Media on Vancouver Co-op Radio, CFRO 100.5 FM and a weekly contributor for Curiocity Vancouver.

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